Another Nutball

I'm not one to put my sexual history out there on the World Wide Web for anyone to read, but some stories just have to be told. Every guy who has had a reasonable amount of experience with the opposite sex can attest to the supreme frustration that some girls present us men with. Occasionally though, you find yourself on the other end of a situation where you scratch your head and go. "Ummm, what the hell just happened?".

I never considered myself God's gift to women, but in my early teens I thought I must have been downright ugly. Discovering in my early 20's that I actually did have pretty decent looks (and could actually be handsome if I tried!) was something that improved my confidence with girls immensely. In this case, I had just broken up with my long-term girlfriend (who I now refer to as "Princess"), and had decided that the best revenge for her parting comment that "No girl would ever look at me again" and that I had been "lucky to have her" was to go out and see just how many girls I could get to pay attention to me now that I was a free agent.

I suppose that sounds a little shallow. Well... yes, I guess it was. I'd like to point out though, that when you've been in a relationship that has ground you down to where I was, you want to prove to yourself that you've still got what it takes to be attractive and interesting to the opposite sex. Cut me a little slack.

I was bursting with newfound energy, and I started to look for ways to expand my social circle again. One of my hobbies is playing the violin (I was actually very good at it too, though I don't have much spare time any more), so I looked around for an orchestra to play in. My former violin teacher recommended a particular one in my home town that would suit me, so I started going along to rehearsals. It was a great joy to be playing again, but most of the other members were much older. I've always gotten along well with my parents' generation, but let's be honest; I didn't have that much to talk to them about.

Fortunately for me, after a few weeks of rehearsals, two new members started to turn up. One was a younger guy named Ryan who was 16. The other was a girl who was 18 named Dana. She had a sweet disposition, played the cello and immediately caught my attention. If there's one thing I love, it's sweet girls. And watching the intent look on her face while she was playing her cello made her... well... sexy! (don't laugh!)

The Chase Begins

Feeling unusually bold, I did my best to charm Dana right from the start. I introduced myself right after the first rehearsal she attended, and it didn't take long to build a raport with her. I chatted to her, I smiled at her with a mischevious twinkle in my eye, I'd play little jokes on her and then pretend to be completely innocent of all wrongdoing while she'd punch my arm in mock-outrage. It was pretty clear to everyone in that place that there was "something going on" between us. Now that I think back, it must have even been a bit embarrassing for some of the members in their 70s. No wonder they harrumphed visibly whenever I did something that made Dana dissolve into a giggling fit!

I'll admit it - I played hard-to-get. After rehearsals there were a few times that I let Dana think I was just about to ask her out on a date only to bid her a cheery farewell and head off in my car. Ryan had known Dana for quite a while and he told me enthusiastically one evening "You're driving her insane you know. Practically all she does is talk about you. Are you going to ask her out?" I could only smile, because that was certainly what I'd intended. I went up to her the next week after rehearsal and gave her my best smile.

"Hi Dana!"

"Hey there Sol!"

"Bye Dana!"

"Heeeey, that's not fair! You have to stay and talk to me! You always do that!"

"Oh, alright then. So, would you like to go out for dinner with me next Friday? We'll go down to the harbour and that nice Italian restaurant there."

"Ohmigod!", she squealed. "I thought you'd never ask! Of course I'll go with you!"

I'm Not Looking For A Boyfriend

Friday rolled around not soon enough, and since it had been a while since I'd been out on a date, I made sure I was looking my best. "Damn, she'll be impressed", I thought when I looked in the mirror. I'd lost the weight I'd put on during my final year with Princess, I'd gotten a nice haircut, and I was looking healthier than I had in years. "This is going to be awesome", were my final thoughts as I headed out the door to pick up Dana.

Her parents greeted me at the door, and I was surprised to find that I knew them. They went to the same church as my parents, and when they realised whose son I was, it enabled us to skip the usually awkward introductions and move on to the pleasant chitchat while I was waiting for Dana to finish getting ready. She came downstairs and looked happy to see me, and after a few assurances to her parents that I would have her back by 2am we went on our way.

We pulled up at the harbour, and she asked me a question as we were getting out of the car.

"Can we go for a walk first? I'd really like to talk to you before we eat."

I glanced at my watch. "Sure, we've got about 20 minutes before our reservation."

We walked quietly together for a little while. It didn't seem much like talking, but her hand snuck into mine and I smiled inwardly.

"I'm sorry if I'm a little shy tonight, but.. I've never been taken out to dinner before", she said softly.

"Errr... what? I mean, really?" I was surprised. Dana wasn't bad-looking. Mybe she wasn't as slim as she could have been, but she certainly wasn't fat. Her face was round and cute and she had pouty lips, though she didn't look after her hair as well as she could have (she tended to chew the ends when she was concentrating). Surely someone must have asked her out before now?

"Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. I've been looking forward to taking you out for a while."

"About that... it's just... I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now."

My heart sank the moment those words came out of her mouth. GodDAMN it! How many times would I have to hear some variation on the same "can't we just be friends?" theme.

"I... see."

What came out of her mouth next completely shocked me though.

"I don't want to go out with you. I'm sorry. I just want to have sex with you. Is... that alright with you?"

Ye Gods! I'd never been propositioned for sex before. Holy... what the hell did she just say?! My mind was suddenly whirring a million miles a minute. Well, I like sex; I'm a healthy young guy. But I'm a nice guy! I'm decent and moral! I can't take advantage of Dana like that! Wait, she just propositioned me. Am I sure another serious relationship is what I need right now? I barely escaped the last one. Maybe I should just say yes and work the details out later. I haven't put this much effort in to getting her attention to turn back now. Yeah, I'll work the details out later. That'll work fine.

"Sure. If that's what you want", I managed to say as nonchalantly as possible.

"I didn't want to mislead you", she said apologetically.

The Nutball Emerges

The dinner conversation didn't go well. Dana spent a lot of her time studying her plate intensely and it became increasingly hard to get more than a few words out of her. This seemed like a complete about-face from her usual bubbly personality. What on earth was going on? When we had finished our meals she couldn't get out of the restaurant fast enough. Her obvious impatience during paying the bill was a real embarrassment in front of the waiter who had served us. She exited with a brisk walk, and I had to jog a little to catch up. I fell in beside her again and we walked a little way.

"The full moon's out tonight Dana. I'd planned a walk along the beach for us. Would you like to come?"

"Well... I don't know. I don't really like the beach."

"It'll be fun, and there'll only be the two of us. Why not take a chance?" I raised my eyebrow in the way that usually made her giggle, but all I got was a kind of sullen silence.

"OK, let's go.", she said finally.

We walked along the beach holding hands for a little while and her mood seemed to improve. She was smiling again and chatting a bit more freely, though it seemed somewhat forced. It was a little cold outside, so I said to her, "Dana, perhaps you should snuggle a little closer. For warmth of course." She nuzzled herself into my chest, but there didn't seem to be any enthusiasm in it. Finally, I decided I had to take action, so I turned her face towards mine and kissed her soundly. She looked at me for a moment and then kissed me back. Her kiss lasted for quite a while... and then turned in to a grin.

Dana and I pulled each other down onto the sand in a kind of sitting-embracing position and took turns kissing and gently exploring each other. The thrill of discovery can be a very powerful emotion, and Dana was kissing me with a kind of curiosity, like she was trying me on for size. She seemed to have forgotten her earlier annoyance. For me, kissing someone new after so many years was electrifying. So this was what another girl felt like. I'd forgotten somewhere along the way with Princess.

"Let's go back to your place", Dana suggested eventually.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea", I smiled.

"What was up with her earlier aversion to the beach?", I though to myself as we got back in to my car. I found out soon enough. Dana complained all the way home about the sand that still clung to her from the beach. Every second comment was along the lines of "Ugh, there's sand in my (something)". Funny, she hadn't seemed to care about it only moments ago when she'd been busy kissing me.

We snuck quietly into my house, not bothering to turn the lights on as we went. It was pitch black, but I knew my way around the house well enough not to bump into anything. Dana followed me by holding on to my shirt. We reached my room and I closed the door and turned on the light. Her grip on my shirt didn't loosen. Dana smiled and tugged it off me. I went to reach for hers but she stopped me cold.

"No! Turn off the light!"

"But I want to see you! You have a gorgeous body!"

"I don't. Turn off the light. Now!", she said sharply.

Ugh, fine. I flipped it off and she started to guide my hands over her body and breasts. Her shirt and bra ended up on the floor pretty quickly, and I gently began to kiss her all over.

"There's sand in my hair still!"

"What? Still? Err... does it really matter?"

"Yes, I hate it!"

"Well, I have a hair-brush on my desk. I could turn the light on and help you.."

"NO! Don't turn the light on. If you do, I'm leaving."

This whole episode was getting more bizarre every minute, but I wasn't about to start a disagreement over a stupid light. There was a cute girl lying half-naked on my bed. That seemed far more important. I went back to kissing her body.

Dana really seemed to be enjoying herself. Once again, her annoyance was forgotten and she giggled while I tickled her lightly. I could feel her excitement building as she "mmmm'd" salaciously. I grinned wickedly in the dark and started massaging between her legs.

"Oh! That's not fair!", she gasped, and pulled her jeans off in one smooth motion. Her underwear was close to non-existant. From the moonlight coming in the window, I could just make out that she'd chosen the tiniest thong I'd ever seen. Her hands were all over me now, so I started to move my fingers inside her underwear.

"OK, stop now.", she said in a matter-of-fact tone.

I stopped cold. "Er, ok. What's wrong?", I asked.

"I'm scared now. I want to go home."

"You're scared? You weren't scared a moment ago. I mean, if you want me to help you put your jeans back on, that's fine. We'll only go as far as you're comfortable."

"No, I'm scared. Take me home now please."

What The Hell Just Happened?

I have never heard of someone being so scared that they asked in a perfectly calm and conversational voice to be taken home. She had pulled her clothes off herself only moments before! If she was scared, she certainly didn't give any indication of it. You'd better believe I was frustrated, but since I wasn't about to rape some girl because I thought we were going to have sex, I got dressed and drove her home. Her tone on the way home was chatty and conversational, but not especially affectionate. She got out of the car and waved me goodbye, and as I was driving off, all I could think was, "Ummm, what the hell just happened?"

Dana is still out there breaking guys' brains with her whacked-out behaviour. I know because I have infrequently received text messages from her on my phone that are addressed to guys I don't know about subjects that appear to be fights in full-swing. I don't have a clue why I'm still in her phone after all these years, but I don't doubt that most of the guys she's gone out with have had the same experience as I did.

I wish I could say Dana was the last nutball I've run in to, but western society seems to encourage it.


"The feminist movement is just not compatible with happiness. They are not for equality, they want to kill everything masculine." -- Phyllis Schlafly.

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