Exhibit D: My Ex-Fiancée
Ah, my Ex-Fiancée... I could write a book on her. I want you to know something: I was madly in love with her for a while at least. In her, I saw my opportunity to be the best boyfriend in the world. "Now I have a woman that I can just open my heart and give all my love to." In the beginning, it felt wonderful. This story isn't just Exhibit D... this is the first leg of a journey I took.
Only one problem with this journey: never choose a traveling partner named 'Lying Whorebag'.
So, on the surface, Ms. Whorebag seemed to have a lot of positive attributes. However, I later realized that this was an elaborate façade. As time passed, bit by bit, the façade flaked-away like so many old paint-chips. After I could see what she was really like... well, let's just say that the Prince of Darkness can sometimes assume human form. This story will start on the period where the first cracks started to appear in the façade. All her good features- it was a lie, and I swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I saw things in her that just didn't exist. When I started to see the truth, I willfully blinded myself to it because I didn't want to see it. I pretended that her flaws weren't there. She was manipulative enough to tell me the things I wanted to hear. I went into denial. Recalling it is very painful for me.
Physically, she was very good-looking. I give her a 7.5 on a scale of 1 to 10. VERY nice body. She got hit-on a lot when I wasn't around. Personality-wise, she was tough. Very strong-minded. If she ever got hurt, she would act macho to show you she was tough. Her skin was perfect. She also seemed hard-working and career-oriented. And, she was soooo seductive. She knew how to be sexy. She knew just what turned me on. She knew how to touch me. She was a regular temptress who could turn my knees to jelly.
She and I had a lot of fun together. In the past, she'd also dated a lot of guys who didn't treat her right... she dated a drug-dealer who tried to run-over her with his car. She dated a rather scummy, green-haired musician who cheated on her regularly and treated her like she barely existed. She dated a smart-ass who treated her like she was a moron. Her friends and family told me that I was her first NiceGuy, and her family really loved me for it. (Later-on in our relationship, I think her family started to like me even better than they liked her(!) You know there's something wrong with your girlfriend when her own family secretly uses words like "manipulative", "dishonest" and "bitch" to describe her.) Our relationship was very complex in the beginning, and I won't give all the details in this essay, but I'll try to give you an idea of key points in our courtship period.
The Journey Begins
In short, we started seeing each other. I was really excited because here was a beautiful woman in whom I saw many things that I had envisioned when I yearned for a girlfriend. It felt so damn wonderful to be with her. I started to develop strong feelings for her... whenever I get physically-intimate with a woman, I always get attached. I can't help it, I just do. I even cooked for her even though I don't know how. We dated for about 6 months. In that time, she broke-up with me repeatedly and got back together with me a few days after. It was a damned emotional roller-coaster and it really started to take a toll on me. I wanted to halt the cycle of break-up/make-up and have a more stable relationship with her. (Damn, when I look back at this time, now I know I should've gotten-out of the relationship while I had an easy chance!)
I never initiated any of these initial break-ups, it was her. Why did she break-up with me every 3 weeks? A variety of reasons. On one occasion, she said she was 'confused'. On another occasion, she said she might have 'feelings for her ex-boyfriend'. On another occasion, she said she was breaking-up with me because she 'might fall in love' with me(!)
I'm a very sensitive guy, and my feelings can get hurt. Here she was, this VERY pretty girl. She was fun to be with. She was AWESOME in bed. Yet, she made me a nervous wreck because I never knew if she was going to call me and break up with me. I couldn't take this much longer.
Finally, one day, I said to her "Honey, I want this to stop. It's not good for me, emotionally. I want you to know that I care about you deeply and... I'm scared of having you break-up with me again. I'm scared. It hurts me so much."
How did she respond?
"NiceGuy, I've never had someone be so good to me before... and it scares me. I mean... my last boyfriend, he treated me like crap and when he broke-up with me, I went into a deep emotional tailspin. It was a downward spiral. It was because I had a self-esteem problem, I wanted to be with a guy no matter how badly he treated me... But then, I met you. Now that I've met someone who is good to me... I... what would happen if you suddenly turn bad? It'll hurt me so much more." Oh... poor dear. She's just afraid of getting too close. She doesn't want to be hurt.
I smiled. "Sweetie, I'm not going to turn bad. I want to be good to you! I want to be a good boyfriend!" I held her close. "I... really care about you and how you feel. You're a precious treasure. You're my angel." Yes, I really felt that way about her. I always wanted a woman like her. And now I had her.
So, a few more months go by... and now we have a more stable relationship. Her parents, by the way, like me a lot. I brought her presents and flowers. I held doors open for her. Her parents and friends were really happy, because compared to the "yahoos" she'd been with in the past, I was a real Prince Charming. When I was out of the room once, I overheard her mom saying: "Thank GOD she's with NiceGuy. He is so good to her." That really made me feel wonderful inside. Yes, all my life I wanted to be a good boyfriend, and I was starting to become one. It felt really, really nice to have someone point after me and say "he is so good to his girlfriend."
One night, Whorebag and I were lying in bed together. She looks at me.
"I... I've been meaning to tell you this... " She was extremely nervous. I was patient. I held her and told her that she could say anything to me. She needs a little coaxing when she's got a little secret.
"NiceGuy... I think about you all the time. And... I... love you."
Holy shit. A Niagara Falls of emotions swept over me. I looked in her eyes... she meant it. She really did love me!
I looked at her right back. My voice got really strained. I meant every word I was about to say:
"I love you, too."
The First Cracks Appear in the Façade
Egads and gadzooks, now I know what a fool's paradise I was living in! It still felt wonderful at the time, though. It is with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight that I look-back.
As time went on, she and I had a wonderful time. Once in a long time, she'd lose her temper (like me having to work late when I'd made plans with her), but we never really fought. She'd revealed a few secrets to me: before meeting me, she'd posed nude for an internet website once. She was afraid that I'd get mad and break-up with her, but I was cool about it. She'd also learned to live with my foibles... the fact that I work late too often, for instance. Nonetheless, I was happy with her. But at this point, we start to see one of her major features: her tendency to fly into bouts of insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying attempts at mind-control.
One night... she's lying in bed with me, and she looks at me. Her face is wrought with nervousness.
"NiceGuy... I... have something to tell you."
"Hmm? What is it?"
"I... oh, I don't want to tell you this because... it will change everything!"
Uh oh. What is it?
"I... I... want to get married!" The words came-out like a fast-moving train.
Uh..... I'm a little surprised. My stomach does a little somersault. I wanted a girlfriend, not a fiancée. I wasn't ready!
I wasn't sure what to say. But I had to be very careful with what I said.
"Honey, I love you very much. Don't you think we should date a little while longer before we make that commitment? It's only been 6 months."
She explodes into tears. Uh-oh, what did I say?
"I KNEW I COULDN'T SAY IT!!" She turns away from me and starts sobbing her eyes out. She's very, very hurt. My heart really pains to see her cry. I reach out to touch her shoulder, she slaps my hand away. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" She starts crying really, really HARD.
"Baby, please... you're the only woman in my life. I love you very much. I just think that it might be a little too early." I wanted to hold her, but she wouldn't allow it. Seeing her cry drives a cold, railroad spike right through my heart.
"But I WANT YOU NOW!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?! I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!!!"
"I am in your life, honey! I'm not going anywhere!"
"YOU! DON'T! UNDERSTAND!!!"
So, the evening passes... she's really upset. I'm emphatically trying to calm her down (I think that crying is a form of blackmail with you ladies. Lying Whorebag way overused her crying privileges to get things out of me.) I promise her that my heart belongs to her. She insists that she wants to get engaged, because she's in such a hurry to get me into the bond of holy matrimony. She will not compromise. (With her, there is never a compromise, there is never a third way. With her, it's a zero-sum game: either she gets everything or she'll accept nothing.)
It's past midnight, I have to go to work tomorrow.
"Darling, I have to go home so that I can wake-up in time for work. Please understand, I love you. Do you understand?"
Her lips are trembling. God, she knows how to make me feel bad inside.
"We can talk about this tomorrow, okay? I want you to think about what a big commitment marriage is. It's a big step. Perhaps we need to continue in our relationship a bit longer. It's only been 6 months, you know."
"Fine." She was barely audible. I go home.
I get home, I get a phone call. It's her.
"NiceGuy..." Her voice is shaking. "I... don't want to live without you in my life!" She bursts into tears again. Oh, no. The poor honey loves me so much. I know how it feels to love someone so much that it hurts... and for me to put her in such pain... I'm such an asshole!! I'm turning into the kind of guy I never wanted to be!
"Baby, baby don't cry, please!" I start to cry, too.
"If I can't have you.... then, then I don't want to live!"
"Honey, don't say that. It's starting to worry me. I don't like hearing you say things like that." My eyes are really misting-over.
"I mean it. I'm going to kill myself!"
I start freaking-out.
"NO! You are NOT going to kill yourself." I've never dealt with this kind of situation, I don't know what to do! I am totally clueless as how to deal with a suicidal person over a phone.
"I am... I'm going to kill myself as soon as I hang-up!" Okay, I am not hanging-up, then! No, I'm going to make sure you're going to stay on the phone until you're calm enough where I can feel that you're safe.
"Baby, I... I am so SO sorry that I've put you through so much pain. I never wanted to cause you so much heartache. Baby, please calm down?"
"NO!" She is really sobbing. She is almost screaming-out her tears. She's getting hysterical. "I... I... *SOB* DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE!!!"
We go back and forth like this for hours. I'm working myself into a panic. I'm really scared. But... by 3 AM, I just can't go on like this any more. I'm just too fucking tired. I think maybe she's just about all cried-out too... She and I are both getting hoarse. I say "Honey... pLeAsE leT me gO to sLeep. PlEaSe doN't hurT yoUrself. I- I'll cOme sEe yoU toMorrow and wE caN tAlk aBoUt tHis. Don't hurT yOursElf, pRomIsE?"
Her voice gets very quiet. She almost whispers.
(This would become a tactic for her... argue and argue until late into the night... until I tire-out. Argue with me until I can barely stay awake. No way will she let me sleep until I capitulate. As time went-on in our relationship, this kind of thing happened again and again. I'm pretty sure that the Geneva Convention defines sleep-deprivation as a form of torture.)
I get less than 4 hours' worth of sleep. I'm worried sick about her, too. What am I going to do? I've really really hurt the woman I love.
The next morning, I call my boss and apologize to him for not coming-in to work on time. I explain that someone very close to me was having some very serious problems last night, and I didn't go to sleep because I wanted to make sure they'd be safe. I also tell him that I want to spend the day with her to make sure she's all right. He's very cool about it, and I get the time-off.
Three minutes later, just before I start getting dressed, I get a call. It's her. He voice is very faint.
"I... I'm going to die today."
"Hon, no. Please don't say that." I'm starting to get freaked-out again.
"Today is a good day to die. I'll just go take a lot of sleeping pills and I'll just quietly go..."
"Honey, NO!" I started to choke-back my tears. "PLEASE don't do that! I- I LOVE you!"
"You can't stop me."
"Yes I can! I'm coming over there right NOW! Don't move! Don't DO anything stupid!"
I threw-on some clothes, ran-out the door, hopped in my car and drove to her house. Along the way, I was a maelstrom of mixed emotions.
Was she the One? I loved her, I could tell. Maybe she's right- maybe we do belong together. She says she loves me, and I can feel that I love her. Isn't that how marriage starts? Life is all about taking risks. I never take any risks, maybe it was time that I started?
That's it. I'll take a risk. I love her, and I want to be so good to her. She's never had a guy who treats her right, she deserves to have someone be good to her for the rest of her life. I love her so much, and I've always wanted a woman like her. That's it, she's the One.
I'll do it.
So THAT, friends, is how she went down the path of becoming my fiancée. Now that I look back, I know it wasn't right. I really felt arm-twisted into it, and I was too fucking NICE to stand-up for myself and I was too in love to realize what kind of person she really was. I thought I was doing the right thing, and it really pained my heart to feel like I would be influencing her to kill herself by not marrying her. I don't want to carry-around the guilt of having a woman kill herself because of me. I'd be devastated if that happened.
In actuality, this set a very bad precedent... what was the message she got from this experience? "Gee, if I scream and stomp my feet enough, I can get NiceGuy to do just about any damn thing I want. I never have to accept 'no' from him. Hmm..."
Now I know better- if she threatened to kill herself, it just meant that she really wants something out of me and she knows she can't get it any other way. She wanted to marry me for the wrong reasons- she didn't love me, she only loved the things I did for her. She loved being a benefactor of my generosity. She loved having someone who spoiled her. And most of all, she wanted Mister NiceGuy under her thumb for good.
And, now, I have posted the logical conclusion to this journey... Endgame: the worst break-up of my life.
"The promises of Woman, I write them on water." -- Sophocles.
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