March 13, 2005
I've been in Ameriskankland now for about two months. God, do I hate it here. Everything looks dreary and twisted and broken and strange.
Ignominious.
Lugubrious.
Dismal.
Bah!
To give you some impression of how it feels now, I made the following diagram:
Alas, my Photoshopping skills aren't good. (If I wanted her to be a more authentic-looking American female, I'd have to add a couple dozen pounds and an extra chin. And a pair of fangs.) But this gives a hint as to the disorienting change of pace that I'm going through
But here's the funny thing: the personality of the woman on the left is of better quality than the one on the right.
Yes, you read that correctly. She is far superior.
How so?
Well, the woman on the left is exactly the kind of twin-fisted, headstrong, spunky, punchy, assertive, confident and smartmouthed goddess-diva that all men should rightly desire. She's bold, bawdy and brassy-- and don't you ever forget it! She wants to have it ALL, baby-- and gets pissed if that last 1% is out of reach.
Not only is she a relationship-expert and a sex-expert, but she is an everything-expert as well. Brimming with a plucky mixture of piss and vinegar, our fire-breathing hellcat is rough as sandpaper and tough as nails. Everything you say can and will be held against you because she takes it personal and makes it personal. You and everybody else is always entitled to her opinion, baby. This hottie is Numero Uno-- and she loves to mock men for being vain and self-centered. Always cocked and loaded with an arsenal of witty put-downs and snide comebacks, our sassy minx is completely unafraid to speak her mind, party all night, drink you under the table, and puke on your couch. Anything you can do, she can do better (with half the effort, of course!)
If she decides to abstain from sex, it's empowering. If she decides to have a lot of sex, it's also empowering. If she sleeps with a man or a woman or a vibrating plastic cucumber or any combination thereof, then that's empowering too. If she reclaims the word 'cunt', WOW is that empowering! In fact, any sexual decision that she makes is completely glorious and empowering. But your penis is probably too small for her and she's more woman than you can handle anyway.
Or maybe, you're such a good "friend" that she'll give you the pleasure of hearing her complain about the people she does sleep with? Ahh, what a great way to spend an entire afternoon...
But in stark contrast, the woman on the right is a mindless Stepford wife who can't think for herself probably. And I bet you have all kinds of sick and racist stereotypical assumptions about her too. Yes, to the untrained eye she may seem "friendly" and "refined" and "charming" but those are the qualities of an unliberated, weak woman who colludes in her own oppression. Unlike her gutsy and obviously-advanced American counterpart, this cowardly girly-girl is not continually primed to go-out and rip somebody a new one. Foolish and naive, she does not habitually hallucinate an immoral and cynical ulterior motive behind everything a man does, you racist sicko. Because she makes an attempt to not look like an unkempt grubby crumb, it's clear that she's been brainwashed by the unrealistic beauty-standards of the patriarchy. Dismayingly, she will rarely punch you in the groin for sport and (worst of all) she might debase herself by offering to cook you a tasty-looking dinner some evening in her disgustingly cozy apartment. If she's air-headed enough to date you regularly, it's because she doesn't understand that you're more horrible and pathetic than any words can possibly describe.
I know what you're thinking you racist and perverted bastard, so stop it right now! You may say that you'd be interested in going to coffee with her-- but it's only for reasons that are too twisted to imagine. Why, if you are ever attracted to such a pathetic creature then you're probably a sexist, phallocentric, patriarchal, fetish-having, insecure Neanderthal with a wafer-thin ego whose overriding desire is to dominate and control a submissive slave who caters to your every demented whim. And on top of that, you stereotype people too much.
You want a woman who will never challenge you or make you think! You're guilty of all kinds of horrible thoughtcrime for which torture is too kind! You need to be brought-down a peg, mister! What an inadequate loser you are! Perhaps you can't handle a real woman, hmm?
So which one would you prefer to be around, lads? Will you be a real man by going after the feisty, outspoken vixen on the left? Or will you be a racist colonialist perverted jerkwad by showing the slightest interest in the backwards sap on the right? Hell, if you're attracted to anything that is different from what the woman on the left is or aspires to be, then it only proves you're incapable of handling near-perfection.
Well, it's no contest then. The one on the left is far superior in every which way. And she will proudly tell you that herself.
</sarcasm>
So now I'm living in a kind of Twilight Zone where up is down, where war is peace, where freedom is slavery and where American women are the best thing since ice cream.
Jesus. I can NOT wait until Haruna gets here. I'm so sick of all the vicious, reptile-like ghouls that I see on a daily basis.
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