I Don't Need A Magazine To Tell me I'm a Dud.

Someone pointed-out this article from Jade Magazine Online. It pissed me off. I invite you to give it a good look-over to understand why.

Are you A Stud or A Dud?, by Blue Jade.

Frankly I'm glad I'm not a man. Whereas women simply need to wear a tight mini-skirt or flash some cleavage to score points with the guys, we women are much harder to please.

If you're not cute enough, forget it. If you're too cute, you're a player... so forget it. You'd better make enough money to take us out for fun in style a few times a week and still have nice stuff, pay all your bills, as well as bring us presents once in a while for no reason at all. You must be smart, funny, a gentleman, and confident while lacking all controlling and egomaniacal tendencies. You need to make love to us for at least 45 minutes when we're in the mood. We like a good body so make time to go to the gym in between making money, taking us out, and pleasing us in bed. You must be able to express yourself, admit when you're wrong, as well as connect with us emotionally and spiritually. Basically you need to be the spliced clone of James Bond, Bill Gates, and Ghandi.

Men have to go through a hell of a lot to capture a woman's attention these days. And as for my Asian brothas, did you notice that the qualities I mentioned above are not biased toward anyone in particular? All men can have an equal opportunity at getting the woman they want - as long as they can offer what she's looking for...

Even in school if you got a "C" in math you could raise your overall score by getting an "A" in Phys Ed. right? It works the same way with women. If you're lacking in one department, you can always make up for it by excelling in another. Because eventually we realize that there's no such thing as Bill Ghandi 007, what we notice first is what is most important to us - and that will be different for every girl.

Some women make money the main concern; others are suckers for good looks, while some ladies need to find that one man who can really rock her world in the bedroom. The important thing is to develop one area of expertise and be adequately capable in all others.

Of all the virtues a man can posses, let the truth be known: Money is the great equalizer. It's one of the greatest concepts this country is founded on. Fat, short, bald, Christian, Buddhist, Scientologist, yellow, red, black, white, whatever--nobody is prejudiced against the color Green and a healthy faith in free enterprise. But know this too, a heart of gold is awfully, awfully hard to resist.

With that said, I'll admit that I've spent time with men who had more gold in their hearts than in their pockets. And they were enjoyable relationships, too. The guys were smart, decent looking - they had potential and I gave them some time to live up to it. But potential doesn't pay the bills and in the lifetime of the relationship they never quite made it past "average," so I had to move on 'cuz this fish was too big for their pond.

The Feminist Movement has left us with independent women stilleto-ed and strutting all over the place. The point of it all was, and still is, to have the same opportunity and rewards in this country as you men do. To a degree, it's worked. For the gentlemen that means you can't fake it anymore; you have to work that much harder to compete to impress - not only with other men, but with the woman you've got your eye on, too.

But really, it's not that bad. Every woman has a minimum standard of requirements. It's just a matter of whether you qualify for hers or not.

My girlfriend, Ms. "Man Killer" Kanamoni, was walking around Union Square one night and this Chinese fella saw her walking by. He was so taken with her exquisite cuteness that he walked right up, broke her stride, and asked her if she'd join him for coffee sometime. He told her he just had to ask her out otherwise he would never forgive himself for not giving it a shot. Well guess what, this girl who spent a year in Sweden, who prefers the fair-haired, GQ, Euro-types said "Yes". She was impressed with his sincerity. He didn't come off desperate, macho or goofy. Just nice, easy going, and normal. Hmmm... Go figure.

The point, gentlemen, is that you gotta lift your skirt, grab your kumquats, and go say hello to Miss "thang" over there or you'll look about as live as frozen shrimp. Of course we see you drooling in the corner of the bar undressing us with your eyes, but unless you take the initiative and step up to offer us a drink and say something cute or clever we're gonna think you're just a wimp or a weirdo.

Personally, I always let the man make the first move. I'm just old school like that. If a guy can't get up the nerve to talk to me, how's he ever gonna get anything out of life? If he can't ask a girl out on a date, how's he gonna ask the boss for a promotion or land that big juicy account? In life, nothing worth having comes easy - especially success. "Ask" and "Negotiate", those are two of the greatest tools to getting what you want in life whether it's a dance, a date or a better table at the best restaurant in town.

One last thing to keep in mind. If you can't take care of a woman as least as well as she can take care of herself - then she's outta your league. For real. You'll be relegated to the ever-loathed planet of "Just Friends". Unless you've got something really special going on, then we may f*ck you -even love you for a while- but we won't respect you in the long run. So guys, if you can't cook, clean, and take care of the bills, drinks and dinners as well as a girl can by herself - then why would she want a scrub like you?

Ugh.

Pretty shallow, eh? Quite infuriating. I mean, she even uses the words 'scrub' and 'thang' for crying-out loud! Can I take her seriously? I mean, she even refers to the Women's Movement as meaning that now men have to work harder to impress women. And, naturally, women don't have any damn obligations towards men. To her, the Women's Movement means that women have the 'same opportunities and rewards' that men do (which we all know is bullshit since women have still largely tried to hold-on to their privileges dating from before the Women's Movement)- but bear none of the burdens or responsibilities that men do! Men are disposable, money-filled toys, and women can just sit-back and enjoy the ride. In her mind, this is a product of some sort of wonderfully twisted 'equality', and it's just fine fine F-I-N-E.

This chick is as self-absorbed and shallow as she is pathological. I've never even met her and I already hate her like a case of Hepatitis-B. If I were ever to date this chick, I'd drop her like toxic spooge because no matter how good looking or great in the sack she might possibly be, the bitch aint worth it. In the event that I ever get laid-off from work (which I have), she'd drop me like a hot potato anyway. Who needs that kind of relationship?

Nonetheless, I wrote my response below. I thought I was pretty funny. (I just made-up 'Benjamin', by the way... and I'm not gay. Not that there'd be anything wrong with that.)

My Response:

Please forward this message to contributor 'Blue Jade'...  

Thank you for your article "Are you a Stud or a Dud?" because it answered a question I'd long been asking myself... should I choose heterosexuality or homosexuality?   Based on your article, I now choose homosexuality with the greatest conviction. Why? Far be it from me to expect a female partner to endeavor to anything more than lie on the couch all day and be served peeled grapes and given back-rubs. As you pointed-out: women demand a lot while offering little in return. Conversely, men provide much while demanding little in return. I have long known that men are generous, respectable, hard-working, self-sacrificing and gallant; it is obvious from your article that women are none of these things.  

I choose men because Man is, after all, naturally more loving than Woman- this proved by the fact that Man voluntarily marries Woman because he will tolerate her burden for the sake of love. What does Woman bring to a relationship? Little more than her vagina and her profoundly-ingrained sense of entitlement.  

As a result, if I want to have a sustainable and mature relationship where I'm not always knocking myself-out in a vain attempt to please my partner, I must choose men. If I want a lifelong companion who is willing to give unconditional love and accept my shortcomings, I should only date guys from now on. If I want a relationship based on mutual respect, reciprocity and cooperation instead of the size of my wallet, it's Y-chromosome all the way. You have confirmed my long-held belief that the average homosexual man is far more reasonable, fair and level-headed than either a traditional woman or liberated woman.  

Furthermore, my conviction is reinforced by the fact that I have long known that there is no shortage of good men- only a superabundance of shallow women. A man without a woman is, after all, a bicycle without a fish. But a gay male couple are two men who have cheated a woman out of not one, but possibly TWO lucrative divorce settlements.  

You've shown me the way! The curse of dating unreasonably demanding Harpies will soon be a thing of the past for me. No longer will I have to cater to an insatiable set of never-ending childish whims, frivolous whines and unrealistic expectations. I hereby wash my hands of it forever! I will enjoy the relative peace, quiet and smaller phone bills. Thank you so much for the new sense of direction you've imbued me with. My new lover Benjamin and I are ecstatic.  

Sincerely- Big, Gay Al.

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"No matter what labor saving devices arrive, a woman's demands on life will always be material, never intellectual, never spiritual." -- Esther Vilar.

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