NiceGuy Sets-Foot on Planet Japan. (04/02/02)

I have a wallet-full of yen.

I have to watch-out for cars on the left-hand side of the road.

I can buy a shot of whiskey from a vending machine down the street.

With great fanfare and huzzaing, I'm now officially a gaijin (foreigner). By some stroke of luck, I arrived just before the sakura (cherry blossoms) explode onto the trees lining the streets, and everyone goes picnicking in the parks.

Perhaps I should change my pseudonym to NiceGaiJin? Nahhhhh... That sounds so stupid.

Upon arrival, I was met at the airport by Chizuko, my company's personnel director. She'll be the main individual I'll be interacting with at work. She's a bespectacled woman in her early 40s. She's about 5'4 and speaks excellent English.

At the airport, I saw her waiting for me outside the customs area. I was pushing a baggage-cart with a few rather hefty bags on board.

"Naisugai-san!" She called. "How are you?"

"Hi, I'm glad to finally get a chance to actually meet you face-to-face."

"How was your flight?" We walked towards the airport exit as we talked.

"I think I had a good flight. No delays or anything. It had to have been one of the most pleasant trans-Pacific flights I've ever had. However, the in-flight movie was 'Shallow Hal'."

"I don't know that movie."

"Well, you're not missing much." I quipped with a tired grin and snorted inwardly. Yeah, guys are the more superficial gender.

We drove to my apartment, which seems to be located fairly close to a small subway station. My apartment's toilet cubicle is a little shoebox. Seriously. With the door closed, there's barely enough room for one skinny person on the loo. Stout people would be completely out of luck. My apartment is small, but clean. The futon actually has to be one of the more comfy places on which I've ever slept.

I also met my next-door neighbor and co-worker, Miles. He's a Kiwi (New Zealander) who has studied Japanese for quite a number of years and has been living in Japan for six months now. Naturally, his advice has been invaluable so far. He's advised me on where to bargain-shop, what bars are good, and so forth... He has a girlfriend who lives in Thailand, and I'm pretty sure he's not womanizing behind her back (which reflects positively on his character, I suppose.)

The first evening I was with him, we were having some Asahi Dry beer (which is now among my new favorite brands) and talked about various American TV shows and movies that he's seen. Specifically, we were talking about the cheesier American films and programs.

"What did you think of 'Pearl Harbor'?" He asked.

"Ack! Hated it!" I nearly sprayed beer-foam out my nose in disgust. "A cinematic tour-de-crap!"

"Oh, I know! I mean... when that movie came to New Zealand, all the audiences were like... this is just a cheesy American patriotic film! Why the hell are we wasting our time sitting here?"

"I couldn't stand it! I mean, I was hoping for historical accuracy at the very least! I mean, 'Tora! Tora! Tora!' was a ton better with a smaller budget. Only problem is, historical accuracy doesn't get the big bucks at the box office."

"The first half of 'Pearl Harbor', I almost fell asleep!" Miles shakes his head.

"The first half is a chick-flick! And that one bit during the attack, the nurse is like... 'I'll use my lipstick to mark which people have gotten morphine! My resourcefulness has saved the day!' I wanted to spit-up my MilkDuds!"

"Oh, there are a lot of bad American shows on New Zealand television. I mean, 'MASH' was a good show... but 'MASH' re-runs is all there was on New Zealand evening television for ten years. After ten years, you get sick of it. Every Kiwi has seen every 'MASH' episode three times. But nowadays, we have better shows: 'Home Improvement' and 'The Nanny'!" He snorts. "They've been on prime-time for three years, and no one can stand them any more."

"I am so, so sorry to hear that! I mean... 'The Nanny'! Ugh! Watching that program for eternity has got to be a punishment in Hell for somebody. Why can't television down there be more responsive to the audience?"

"I dunno, they're like: 'shut up and take what we give you.' Heh, by the way, I've also seen Ricki Lake." He says.

"Oh no..." I reply. "That's awful."

"Yes it is!" He laughs. "And every time I see it, it always makes me wonder: is there a shortage of good women in the U.S. or something? I mean, why the hell would any man put-up with their shit?"

I shrugged and chuckled. "Heh, well, I'm sure that Ricki Lake might give you that impression... Me, I've run-across quite a few women in the U.S. who'd scare you back to Auckland. But if any American woman ever does anything to make you feel angry, just remember... it must be a personal problem that you have, and it has absolutely zero to do with their behavior, which is always flawless. Just remember this rule, and American women will be perfect in every possible way."

"I've never been to America, but I always get the impression that in your country, the chicks there have taken the whole 'women's lib' thing a little too far. Heh, you know, in New Zealand there's a recent law that has sparked a lot of debate... if two people live together for two years, its legally considered the same as marriage. This law was done to give a legal basis to gay relationships, but it can really be abused by women. I mean, say that your girlfriend lives with you for two years- well, she'll automatically own half your stuff after that point!!"

"Really?! Holy crap, what a great deal! For her, I mean..." I replied with astonishment. Wow. I mean... that concept is totally mind-blowing! A Kiwi guy doesn't even need to get married and divorced to get half his stuff taken-away, he just needs his live-in girlfriend to break-up with him!

"That's right!" Miles continued. "She can move-in with nothin', and two years later she can get half your bank account! I mean, why would any guy agree to that!? Its legalized theft!" He shrugged dramatically. "Think about it: if a woman sleeps with a man for one night and gets a hundred dollars, that's illegal. But... if a woman sleeps with a man for two years and gets a quarter million dollars, it's legal!!!"

"My God, you're totally right!!" I slapped my knee as I laughed. "That's totally fucked-up! But hold on... doesn't the guy get half the woman's stuff, too?"

"Yes, in theory that's how it works. But in practice, no. Think about it: what woman will have a relationship with a man who has got less money than she does??" He chuckled and shrugged. "Women tend to go for the guys with cash in their pockets."

"That's true. But the major exception is: a woman will only go for a guy with no money if..."

"...if he's A TOTAL ASSHOLE!" We shouted together, pointing our fingers at each other and laughed.

Then he clapped me on the shoulder. "Heh, well, now you're surrounded by a different sort. Some would say that Japanese girls are the premium brand of human females..."

Well, I hope he's right.

My Co-Workers...

The department in which I'll be working has about seventeen people, including myself... and all of them are female (except for Miles). As is the case with many Japanese females, quite few of them have names ending in 'ko'. Chizuko, Yumiko, Makiko, Eiko, Takako, Ayako, Shiko, Ryoko, Keiko, Junko, Michiko, Hanako, Haruko, Mizuko, Akiko, Kimiko... It gets hard to keep track of them sometimes, but some of them fortunately speak some English. Apart from me, there are two other foreigners: Miles and a 23-year old female Brazilian woman named Mercedes. Mercedes' grandparents were Japanese and they emigrated to Brazil in the 1930s (something like 200,000 Japanese moved to South America back in the 30s, and apparently there's a significant Japanese minority in Brazil). Mercedes seems to have cultivated a kind of femme-fatale demeanor, so it's a little interesting to have this 6-foot tall, suggestively-dressing, ethnically Japanese woman who speaks fluent Brazilian Portuguese. Mercedes also bartends at a restaurant when she's off-work, and she's invited me to check-out the place when I have time...

Well, maybe I should take this opportunity to write-out a few of my first impressions. I guess, all I really have at this point are first impressions. Keep in mind that these are only the very first impressions, and these will be subject to change later-on down the road as I start to become used to various facets of life here. I mean... yeah, it's really interesting to see vending machines that dispense booze- but in a year, it might start to feel banal. First impressions are always subject to change later-on.

First of all, there is a great deal of variety when it comes to Japanese women, just like in any large society. And I hope I don't make any offensive generalizations, despite the diversity, there are always broad commonalities that link them together. I'll probably cover the varieties in a future segment about ongoing social subcultures in Japan...

On Michinoshi:

Michinoshi has a population of well-over one million crammed-in to a rather small area. It is ribboned with train lines, subway lines, highway fly-overs... the urban planners certainly did a good of packing a huge amount of stuff onto limited land. There are dozens of charming, one-lane, winding streets in-between the major boulevards and plenty of enjoyable mom-and-pop restaurants stuck-in here and there. Just like any large American city, there are skyscrapers, factories, supermarkets... even a few homeless people living in shanties in the parks. Distressingly, huge sections of the city were entirely flattened by fire-bombing during World War II, and there are almost no buildings older than 60 years... it sort of makes me feel a bit sad to imagine the death, suffering and devastation that was wreaked back then. Even the older-looking Shinto and Buddhist temples in Michinoshi appear to be of fairly recent construction. Nearly every city in Japan got heavily-damaged by fire-bombing (or by atomic bombing) during the war. According to aerial photos in the U.S. Strategic Bombing Survey, in early 1945 the city of Toyama on the north coast was determined to be 99.9% destroyed... it was thereby written-off as a target because there was literally nothing left to bomb there! I suppose a good rule of thumb is not to talk about the war under any circumstances... my attitude is that it was a bad war for everybody involved and neither the Japanese nor U.S. side deserves a superior moral position.

Prices in Japan are, of course, high. A dollar will get you a can of Coke, three dollars will get you a subway ride across town, and in some places 10 dollars will get you a good-sized lunch. Naturally, I'm open to bargain-hunting and fortunately, there appears to be a number of second-hand shops here and there for appliances and such.

I'll have to visit a lot of client offices around Michinoshi throughout the course of every week, so I'll be taking the subway and trains and buses every darn day. Actually, not all the public transport is packed like sardine cans, but the system is very well-integrated and it's easy to get from subways onto buses and vice-versa. Once I become accustomed to the signs and the routes, I'm sure I'll be fine. Actually, I've got to get used to this, because there's almost no other inexpensive way to get around. The Tokyo train-lines are famous for having white-gloved attendants to cram-in as many people as possible, but thankfully that's not the case here. Every now and then, I can even find an empty seat.

The first day I was on the subway, these two very cute young women in kimonos came-on to the train. All I can say is: they looked sooo huggable!! It brightened-up the entire car. It really is a joy to see a woman in a kimono walking-down the street, as the outfit looks simply gorgeous and it makes her look utterly precious. Oh, and the subway seats here are cushioned and upholstered, instead of being fashioned from hard plastic with dried gum stuck in every crevice. An upholstered subway seat would last for about ten seconds in the New York subway system before it got slashed beyond usability.

And there's a distinctive lack of spray-painted obscenities on the train-car exteriors, too. What can I say? There are a lot of nice little details that I immediately began to appreciate.

Oh, one more thing: on the subway, I noticed that almost everyone seems to have a way cool cell-phone. Seriously, these things are wicked. They are a light-year more advanced than any phone I've seen in the U.S. Almost all the phones seem to have color LCD screens that can be used to surf the web. Some phones have a GPS receiver in them, so you can pinpoint where you are on a moving map display (and it can even show the location of the nearest McDonalds!) Some phones allow you to listen to MP3s or have a little digital camera embedded in the handset, so one can take pictures and transmit them to friends during phone calls. Is all that stuff cool or what? I'm planning to get a cell phone quite soon, so the array of choices is proving to be somewhat bewildering.

Politeness:

When you interact with people, everyone is very polite. Naturally, I'm sure that doesn't surprise any of you, as this is something that Japan is famous for. And unsurprisingly, I'm aware of many differences with my experiences in Taiwan as well. Oh sure, Taiwanese people are polite too, but it's a different kind of polite.

I understand, that "politeness involves considerable lying", as was once mentioned by a nastier female critic who derided the very idea of me ever having a good relationship with a woman... which probably makes said critic assume that Japanese people are somehow less trustworthy as a result. Yes, I know that politeness involves lying; but the same is true in any country. I mean, how many fast-food clerks in the U.S. actually mean it when they say 'have a nice day'? Not many, but it's always nice to hear them say it nonetheless. Especially if the cook has been sneezing on the Big Mac patties back there on the grill all day.

I think it might be a little less cynical to say that politeness involves considerable self-restraint in respect for others' feelings. I'd always been brought-up to believe that consideration for others was far more important than whatever lying might be required. When people around you are generally polite, you feel the incentive to be polite back. It raises the bar for acceptable public behavior for everyone, and that's a good thing. Isn't it? I'm under pressure to behave my very best, so I am certainly feeling a heightened civilizing influence by it. These ladies really know how to be sweet, and it naturally elicits politeness from me... They are such a refreshing joy to interact with, they were really worth the trip.

On the flip side of the coin, there appears to be little to no tradition of kindness to strangers. Unless, of course, you happen to be a foreigner... the rules for interaction seem to be different for us gaijin. I'm not expected to bow and scrape before the department head, for instance. I guess, a general rule of thumb for foreigners is to say 'thank you' and 'excuse me' at least 3 times as often as you normally would at home.

And again, this is strictly based on my first impressions... but the women in my company are very, very polite. In fact, they way the act is refreshingly endearing. The way they move, eat and work is very gentle and dainty. They are fussy over arranging their desks neatly and fastidious in having their make-up look perfect. In public, the women in Japan speak in a high-pitched voice and it makes them sound... for lack of a better word... very cute. (Just my opinion. Some foreigners consider it to be an irritating, child-like babble.) Many of my female co-workers are already married, and the ones who aren't... well, it would be unprofessional of me to make a move on them and it's against company policy anyway. So, they're off-limits. Which is a shame, because quite a number of them are well-educated, friendly and very beautiful.

Heh, but who knows? Maybe under the surface, they're all roiling volcanoes of the worst stripe of predatory female wickedness? Only time will tell...

They are obviously talented, smart, hard-working career girls... and best of all, they're actually feminine! They're not trying to prove their masculinity! So far, they appear to not be like the vulgar, 'proud to be a bitch' she-beasts back home. An American chick might call them 'girlie-girls'. Furthermore, an American woman might look at my writings and say that I'm a chauvinist who is only attracted to weak women whom I can push-around (totally untrue). Do American chicks really think that being polite and feminine must be a sign of weakness or something?
I mean, what heterosexual man would be attracted to a woman who is trying to act like a stereotypical man... and then goes-on to denigrate his masculinity? (No offense if you like women who behave like that, but it's not my cup of tea. I'd like a woman to at least be respectful of who I am and let me be a male without assuming there's got to be something wrong with me because I'm male.)

So far, they are acting like ladies(!) Well, my co-workers act very sweet in public at least. It remains to be seen if the behavior of Japanese women is just as sweet in private, too... One of them, Michiko, has already invited me to visit an art museum with her and then to her apartment for sushi afterwards. Of course, I've accepted her offer, we'll see how it turns-out when it happens... Naturally, Michiko is not going to be a romantic-interest because co-workers aren't allowed to do that sort of thing where I work. (Oh, pooh.)

I'm in the process of arranging Japanese lessons, and in the meantime, I'm trying to pick-up useful phrases... here's one sentence that I'm sure I'll use all the time: "ara, obasan wa mata fuhai-tanku ni ochikomimashita yo!" (Dear me, grandmother has fallen into the septic tank again!)

My Welcome Dinner:

After the first day at work, I was taken to a very good restaurant for dinner as a welcome. I was accompanied by the entire departmental staff and I did my best to graciously and humbly accept the guest-of-honor treatment I got. We sat on cushioned mats around the table; the food was utterly incredible! Rice, yakitori, pickled radish, beer, rice, beer, sashimi, beer, rice, seaweed, sashimi, rice, pickled radish, beer, seaweed, sashimi, beer, yakitori, rice, beer, yakitori, beer, sashimi, beer, beer, beer... The dinner got steadily louder and louder as alcohol loosened our tongues.

As I said, every bite of food was awesome. Every time my glass got emptied, one of my female co-workers would rush to fill-it. And whenever one of their glasses got low, I'd fill it as well. (One typically doesn't pour one's own drink in Japan...)

But so far, I've been getting along quite well. Even expressing a little bit of knowledge about Japanese history or language is enough to elicit much more praise than you deserve. For instance, I'd mentioned in the dinner conversation that I love reading history... this spawned the inevitable question: "So, do you know about Japanese history?"

"Hai, Nihon-no rekishi benkyushimashita... Sukoshi." I replied. (Yes, I've studied Japanese history... A little.) "Watashi-wa Toyotomi Hideyoshi-no hon wo yomimashita." (I read a book on Toyotomi Hideyoshi*.) I shrugged. "Etooo, Sengokujigai-wa mo totemo omoshiroi deshita." (Umm, and the Warring States Period** was very interesting, too.) This was enough to make all the ladies at the table turn to each-other and gush, even though I know I said the last sentence incorrectly.

"Oh, sugoiiiiiiii!" (Oh, greaaaaaat!) They cooed in unison. It was the sweetest noise on the planet. I responded to this by vigorously denying that I was great, as is the appropriately modest response to any praise whatsoever.

Ugh. Why do you have to be such a damn show-off all the time, NiceGuy?

I dunno, I like being pretentious I guess. Throw me a frigging bone!

Anyway, by the end of dinner, I noticed the last remaining sashimi plate had one slice of raw salmon on it. I reached-out with the chopsticks to grab it...

"Well, I hope it's okay if I take the last one." Everyone else had eaten themselves full-to-bursting, so it was obviously all right. I dabbed a bit of wasabi on it as I took the salmon.

"Oh, be a real man and take the whole wasabi-glob." Miles suggested.

Heh, well, I had enough beer in me to do something crazy like that...

"Okay, here goes..." I scraped every molecule of wasabi off the sashimi plate onto the salmon-slice. With one smooth motion, I popped it into my mouth.

The instant I did so, seventeen female voices around the tabled cried-out: "Naiiiiiii!"

I spent about five seconds slapping the table in immense pain. It was like the sun had exploded onto my tongue and my taste buds had been flash-heated into cinders. Tears flowing-down my face, I croaked-out. "Ohh, that was good..." as I fanned the air in front of my mouth and gave the 'thumbs-up' sign with my free hand... "Oishikata!"

Laughs all around.

The Value of a Smile:

As I rode home on the subway, there was a very pretty woman in her early twenties sitting next to me. Actually she was more than a little attractive and was wearing a business-suit that was cut just a teeny bit sexier than would be the norm in the U.S. And she was wearing stiletto heels that were just a teeny bit taller than normal, too... She pulled-out her phone and started hitting buttons, the screen seemed to be displaying the weather report. As I mentioned earlier, it was one of the models with the little digital camera built-in. I couldn't resist saying something.

"Chotto, anatawa-no denwa totemo atarashi, desune?" (Hmm, your phone is very new, isn't it?) She turned to me, and cupped a hand over her smile.

"Ah, sooo!" She looked very pleasantly surprised (or bemused) and she had the sweetest heart-melting eyes you could ever imagine. "Anoooo, nihongo-wa wakarimasuka??" She asked with an energetic excitement in her requisite high-pitched, cutsie-poo voice. (Soooo, do you understand Japanese??)

"Sumimasen, wakaramasen." (Sorry, I don't.) I shrugged and gave an 'oh well' expression. But, that didn't stop her from asking me a bunch of rapid-fire questions... Where was I from? What was my name? Why was I in Japan? Shoot. I answered whatever I could, but I wish my Japanese was better... She was hot. Well, I hope to improve my speaking ability in time... this is still early in the game.

You know, when a sexy woman smiles at you and shows interest in talking to you, it will cause your spirit to soar. Truly, this was an interesting first few days.

* Toyotomi Hideyoshi was a sometimes-nutty military strongman who (with the assistance of a few other warlords) helped to carve a governable state out of feuding fiefdoms, thus contributing to the creation of a unified Japan. And he launched a failed invasion of Korea in the mid-1590s with the intention of conquering China; he obviously had no clue as to how big either China or Korea is. The man also had a nasty habit of flying into rages for no apparent reason and once signed an edict ordering the crucifixion of 26 foreign missionaries and Japanese Christian converts in 1597.

** The Warring States Period lasted from 1467 to around 1576. Daimyo (feudal domain lords) fought each other in a vicious, accelerating cycle of bitter internecine disputes. This coincided with the slow-motion weakening and eventual destruction of central authority wielded by the ruling Ashikaga Shoguns, thus resulting in a period of lawlessness and general chaos. This period also makes a damn good setting for many Samurai comic-books.

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"I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there shall be at least one man to regret my death." -- Last will and testament of German author Heinrich Heine, 1856.

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