Joining a Gym

I'm a skinny guy. Or, at least, that's what I'm told. I like to think that I'm not anorexic-looking, but I guess I can say that I'm fairly slender. When I go to the beach, bullies kick sand in my face.

Well, they don't actually- that last sentence was a total lie.

But a few women have given me advice on what I can do to improve my looks. In a few cases, they've backtracked once they've realized that their advice sounds shallow.

In high school, I was playing tennis with a female student, and after the game was over, she looked me up and down.

"You know, you should work-out."

"Really? Why?" I replied.

"Oh, nothing. Never mind." She waved her hand to dismiss the topic.

"No, go on. Tell me why I should work-out." I was curious as to her explanation.

"No, forget I said anything."

Gee, okay. I still don't know why she didn't want to broach the topic- what, you were afraid to hurt my feelings by indicating that I'm physically inadequate for you? Or maybe you didn't want to look shallow?

And Gabrielle, one of my ex-girlfriends in grad school, I asked her: "Do you think I'm attractive?" Girls ask guys that question so often, why can't I?

She paused and looked at me. Her reply was: "Well... *long pause* you have the potential to be attractive."

Oh, gee, thank you. I have the potential to be attractive! That's really nice to know. How would she like it if she asked me "Do you like my personality?" And I responded "Well, you're potentially non-bitchy..."? But, at least she was being honest.

Me Vs. Earl.

There was another instance that is highly-relevant to this stream of disorganized thought. When I was in college, one of the guys in my dorm was Earl.

Earl... um... he was kind of a big guy. An ox, actually. He was about 1 and a half feet taller than me and weighed about 200 lbs more than me... It wasn't flab, though, it was mostly muscle. He used to play football, and we were on good terms. He could be nice from time to time, but he also had a tendency to act like a dickwad when he got drunk. He also didn't respect women very much. Frankly, I wasn't too comfortable hanging-out with him. But he had a car, and I didn't, so he was periodically useful if I ever had to leave campus.

We're driving to a local supermarket to buy some food. We get-out of his car (he had a red, shiny sports car... I nicknamed it the 'extension-of-Earl's-manhood car'). We both walk-in to a store, we're talking as we walk... on the way in, a woman (early 20s, fairly good-looking) is walking-out. She sees us, comes-up to Earl and starts talking to him. She totally IGORES me, by the way. She asks him what he's doing tomorrow night...

"Well, I'm kind of busy, so I can't make it. Sorry."

"Well, my sorority is throwing a party. It would be cool if you could come." I noted, she said 'you', singular. Not 'you', plural. She didn't even see me, she was fixated on this hugely-built leviathan.

I felt like saying "Uh... hello? Can I come to the party, too? Helloooo?"

Earl politely turns her down, and she walks-away. Boy, I wish I had women walk-up to me and invite me to parties! Wouldn't that be nice? I was literally four-feet away, yet I was invisible to her. She treated me like I didn't even exist. That, to me, is proof of just how shallow a woman can be. I was a non-person, simply because I wasn't some muscle-bound stud. Wouldn't it be common courtesy to invite me, too?

So, I'm unattractive.

I realize that now. I also have a few very close female friends who will be bluntly honest with me. I've asked them what I need to do to become more attractive, and they've said that I shouldn't change my 'nice' personality features (like running-over to their house to bring them snacks at 1 AM)... but I should work-out.

So, in short the advice is "you should change how you look." And with that in mind, I set-out looking for gyms today.

Now, understand, I hate working-out. I've worked-out in the past, and I didn't like it one bit. It was tiring. It made me sore. It felt like torture. Why would anyone voluntarily submit themselves to torture if they're not a masochist?

I don't like pain because it hurts.

At one point in history, I worked-out at the hinted-at, yet never-officially-requested wish of Tricia, my then-girlfriend. It was my freshman year in (a distant) college, and my back-home girlfriend had hinted to me that she might get turned-on by me to a greater degree if I was more muscular. So, because I really loved her, I decided that I'd work-out at college. Almost every night, I did so. I tried lifting weights and exercising, even though I had no clue as to what was doing. I'm sure there's a technique for working-out, but I don't think I knew what it was. I hated every second of it.

After a few months, she said that she wanted to break-up with me because I was out of town all the time. I didn't have any incentive to work-out anymore, and I quit doing it. Good riddance, I was a lot less sore after I did so. Ever since then (8 years ago), I haven't exercised regularly, but I'm still quite thin because I have the metabolism of a racehorse.

Going to a Local HealthSpa

I went to a Bally's Health Spa near where I live and I asked about signing-up for a membership.

I waited for the manager to show me around. The place looked well-appointed, clean and generally well-maintained. It didn't smell like a gym. I'm somewhat impressed.

It's mid-day, and a large percentage of the people exercising there appear to be retirees. He explains to me that in the evening, the younger crowd tends to come-in after work.

We sit-down, he shows me the costs... something like $250 down, $30 per month for 18 months. Ugh, that's a little steep, considering that I might not even get to show-up regularly because of my work-schedule. The YMCA has the same equipment, and membership fees are way less.

I tell the manager that 'I'll think about it'. But I have no intention of shelling-out that much money for a gym membership. I might pay that amount for life-insurance, but certainly not for an 18-month gym contract.

Ladies, this is a real Catch-22... I want your affection. You won't give me affection unless I work-out... so that you'll be physically-attracted to me like you are to a lug like Earl. I hate working-out... ladies, are you really that shallow? Don't you find inner-beauty attractive at all?

After my trip to the gym, I immediately went to McDonalds and I purchased a bag-full of McRib sandwiches.

Join a gym? Not yet. I think I need to get really desperate before I'll do that.

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"Hey doll-face, how'd you like to spend time with a real man?" -- Sand-kicking bully, Charlie Atlas advertisement.

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