A Female Reader Responds

I got an email from a woman... it is as follows:

Dear Nice Guy,   Well, I've been reading your site and I have to tell you that I think you are a hypocrite. (Another woman who acts as if the word 'hypocrite' means that everything and anything I say is automatically null and void. -- NG) You indicate that you only ever approach gorgeous women, and then wonder why you keep getting rejected.  (Actually, I never openly say that I only ever approach gorgeous women. She probably just has a selective interpretation of what I've written. -- NG) You say that you aren't an attractive guy yourself, so what do you expect?  You can hardly blame women for having certain preferences when it comes to men (whether those preferences are for good-looking cads or sexist users) when YOU have certain standards yourself.   I'm a nice girl.  I am frumpy, overweight and wear glasses.  I have had few boyfriends and only two serious ones, both of whom claimed to be 'nice guys'. The first one cheated on me.  The second one dumped me because he 'didn't think I was the one' and he 'loved me as a friend' (he's still having sex with me, though, I suppose until he finds another girlfriend; I, stupid doormat that I am, still love him too much to say no). (Well, gee at least it's not her fault that she's still letting him have sex her. I guess it's his fault for making her unable to say 'no'. -- NG) I always listened to what men said they want in a woman -- I always paid my own way, I bought these guys books and CDs that I loved and wanted to share with them.  I never manipulated, or lied, or withheld sex, or pressured them for expensive gifts or any of the other crap, and I was STILL treated like this.   I have male friends who completely overlook me whilst complaining that they can't find a girlfriend, so I know how you feel.  I don't feel sympathy for you, though, because it doesn't appear that you've learned anything from your romantic failures.   I don't believe you are truly a nice guy, not only because my experiences with men have lead me to believe that nice guys don't exist, but also because your entire web site is filled with examples of your shallowness and double standards when it comes to what women should find acceptable in a partner. (Does she quote specific examples of this? No. -- NG)  After reading your experiences with women, I see the only way to keep a man for any length of time is to abuse him so badly that his self esteem becomes thoroughly eroded and he no longer thinks he can survive without me.  So I guess you and all the other 'nice guys' I've met have created another bitch.  Well done. (In my opinion, a bitch results when a girl hits puberty. -- NG)

And, I make a prompt response. The following is about 95% of what I sent, because I made a few last-minute, unsaved changes just before I sent it... but the following is more or less what I sent:

The Response:

>Well, I've been reading your site and I have to tell you that I think you are a hypocrite.

I appreciate you taking the time to write, but I'm sure you have very few positive words for me, so I shan't expect you to say any.

>You indicate that you only ever approach gorgeous women, and then wonder why you keep getting rejected.

Absolutely not. I summarily dismiss that statement with a 'wanking' motion. Not ANYWHERE do I ever say that I only approach gorgeous women. When a woman happens to be very attractive in one of my stories, I'll say what she looks like. When I don't emphasize what a woman looks like- it typically means she's average.

I don't strictly approach skinny, supermodel types- usually I feel like the little sucker-fish under the chin of a shark, getting at the bits of flotsam that the shark misses or spits-out. I almost NEVER approach incredibly gorgeous women because I tend to think that the more attractive a woman is on the outside, the more horrendously hyper-corrupted she is on the inside and I increasingly seek to avoid them like a dose of the Marburg Virus. If you read my stories thoroughly, you'll see that I've shown interest in a number of different types of women... for instance Gabrielle (Number Seven) was honestly NOT the most attractive woman I've ever seen or dated- my brother described her as a 'penis with arms', for instance. Nonetheless, I still told her that I thought she was pretty, because I kind of DID think she was pretty in her own special way that my brother didn't see. But I didn't overtly focus on her looks because her personality alone vaulted her into the ranks of someone I found very desirable. In fact, I was madly into her and tried every romantic gesture I knew to win her heart- not that she appreciated it. Perhaps you haven't read this story yet, so you should. In another story involving a bookstore, I never describe how Lillian looks-- but believe me, she wasn't the prettiest petunia in the patch. I was primarily interested in her because I thought she seemed smart. I think you might have a somewhat selective interpretation of what I've written. All in all, I think my experiences covers a fair mixture of women covering a variety of appearances, shapes, races and socioeconomic backgrounds and I can honestly say that I've approached them ALL in good faith.

>I never manipulated, or lied, or withheld sex, or pressured them for expensive gifts or any of the other crap, and I was STILL treated like this.

That's indeed very very unfortunate. As I've said, I never wanted to be like them and I've devoted a large part of my relationships honestly trying my best to not be like that. As I said- I started-off the dating game endeavoring to be the OPPOSITE of them. I can honestly say that I've never hit, robbed or emotionally-abused any woman I've ever been interested in. Perhaps you think I'm spouting bullshit, but I stand by my claim until my dying breath.
I've always been armed with the hope that the woman I pursued might show interest in me if I treated them like they were human beings who deserved kindness, praise and care. Silly me. Not once did I EVER approach a woman twirling my handlebar mustache cackling 'gee, I'm really going to take advantage of this chick and ruin her good- and then I'll tie her to a railroad track.' That is a BIG no-no in my mind. Sadly, the guys who DO approach women with those thoughts actually seem to get laid fairly often. There's *no* incentive for me to be nice to a woman except for my own strongly-held personal convictions. I no longer hold my convictions quite so strongly nowadays for reasons that I've discussed ad nauseum.

>I don't feel sympathy for you, though, because it doesn't appear that you've learned anything from your romantic failures.

I'm not looking for sympathy: my primary goal was to use this as a release valve for my thoughts and allow the occasional voyeur to see my rather twisted musings if they so desire. I DO include enough self-effacing humor to indicate I realize I'm not perfect. On the contrary: I've learned from my experiences- I'm too darn nice even when the woman is clearly acting totally off her rocker and doesn't deserve any niceness at all (Examples: Maya Smith, Deena Prjywalsky, My Ex- I think these examples of womanhood don't deserve ANY kindness because they didn't even seem to know how to interact even at an elementary human level- yet I still did my best to be a gentleman around them even. Someone should've belted them 'round the head once or twice much in the same way that some men deserve to be belted 'round the head- but that someone who does the belting will NOT be me.)

>I don't believe you are truly a nice guy, not only because my experiences with men have lead me to believe that nice guys don't exist, but also because your entire web site is filled with examples of your shallowness and double standards when it comes to what women should find acceptable in a partner.

Hmm, I think it should be said that I'm not perfect, and I make it pretty damn clear that I have errors that I try to admit and flaws that I recognize and points that I try to improve-upon. Lord knows, in one lifetime I've had more than enough women gleefully belittling my flaws whether real or imagined. But I've never once made the ridiculous pretension that I do not have flaws.

But, naturally, since you're already convinced that nice guys don't exist then I'm already dead in the water before I've left the dock. I shan't even try to change your mind- "The weight of evidence cannot tip justice when the weight of prejudice is on the other scale." -- Patricia Pearson.

Perhaps that quote can be used against me... but I believe my evidence is pretty darn weighty and I think I started the dating game with as little prejudice as humanly possible.

>After reading your experiences with women, I see the only way to keep a man for any length of time is to abuse him so badly that his self esteem becomes thoroughly eroded and he no longer thinks he can survive without me.

He'd have to be pretty masochistic in order for that to happen. My parents have a very stable marriage that's lasted since 1969 and neither of them abuse or denigrate the other. Obviously, it can be done, but it will only work if BOTH people support and love the other. It can NOT be done if one person is constantly trying to put the screws to the other. Personally, my silly romantic head believes that two individuals can elevate each other's self esteems without backbiting the other. Or maybe it's just my own Jules Verne-like imagination running wild when I conjure-up notions of things like mutually-beneficial relationships and Zeppelins full of invading moon-men dropping gas-bombs upon the Earth's populace.

Thank you for writing, as I appreciate a diversity of viewpoints. -- NG

(As an aside note: I wish to point-out that I could've used my response to be rather crude and insulting, but I did not. I addressed her opinions in a manner which did not devolve into name-calling. I could've been more sympathetic, but I have a feeling she doesn't want my sympathy because I'm already an asshole anyway by her estimate. -- NG)

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"In revenge and in love woman is more barbarous than man." -- Fredrich Nietzsche

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