Captain FreeTherapist. A Hero for Our Times.

Yes, when women call me late at night, crying their eyes out- I turn-into (dun-da-da-DUN!) Captain FreeTherapist! *HUZZAH!*

That's when I offer my emotional support to them. Trying to console them. Trying to help them pull themselves together after they've just had a tough fight with their asshole boyfriend. That's me. (By the way, don't real therapists get paid?)

Hal Jordan never ASKED to be the Green Lantern. Peter Parker never ASKED to be Spider-Man. And NiceGuy never ASKED to be Captain FreeTherapist...

The first time that I was really drafted into this role, I was 18. I was a freshman in college, and there was this half-Mexican student who I thought was just wonderful. Juanita. She wasn't drop-dead gorgeous, but I considered her to be about a solid 7 in my book. She got hit-on by quite a few of the rugby-players (she found rugby-players to be kind of sexy, she admitted to me. They're so "big and strong... They make me feel small. I like that.")

Juanita was smart: her dad was a surgeon, and she wanted to go into medical school, too. In fact, her boyfriend was already in a distant medical school. Oh, that's right- she had a boyfriend. And I could tell she wasn't too happy with the relationship... They'd been separated for months, and she felt that his friends were a bad influence on him.. Encouraging him to go drinking, etc.

Like a moron, I thought that maybe if I became friends with her, maybe I could be introduced to one of her girlfriends? Or, best yet, perhaps if she decided to break-up with her boyfriend, maybe she'd consider... me? I wasn't going to aggressively PUSH myself onto her, but we had dinner in the college cafeteria together quite often. Juanita was a very cool young woman, and I was perfectly content at being friends... but I would've gladly dated her if she'd have given me the chance.

One night, she gave me a call. "Um... NiceGuy?" He voice was all strained. "Can you bring some soda over to my dorm? I... *sigh* need to talk to someone."

So, I dutifully come-over, with some Coke. I come-into her room and she's all red-eyed. She'd been crying.

"What's wrong?"

She sat down and looked as if she felt just awful. It was obvious. Her heart was in the throes of a full-scale Chernobyl meltdown.

"My boyfriend... I just found-out from one of his friends that he's been cheating on me. He's been sleeping with some slut at his med school." She shook her head, unable to speak. The words were just too painful for her to say. She looked at me, and her eyes misted up. Her lips trembled.

She collapsed right into my arms and started sobbing really loud.

"Oh, NICEGUY! I loved him SO much! Why did he do this to me?!" She hollered into my chest.

I put-on my mask and cape... (dun-da-da-DUN!) Captain FreeTherapist wraps his arms around her and holds her as she cries and cries.

"Hon, let it all out. Cry as hard as you want."

"I gave him my virginity! I wanted to be his one and only! How could he?! HOW COULD HE?!" She weakly pounded her fists on my chest. Captain FreeTherapist spent a few hours with her, consoling her. I held her tight and let her cry all she wanted. She cried until she didn't have any tears left in her. I rocked her until she was too tired to say anything more. I explained that, yes, has was a jerk and she didn't deserve this treatment. It wasn't her fault. I felt her heart beating up against mine.

Her heart was destroyed. I don't like it when my female friends get hurt so badly. For the next few days, she'd talk about how sad she was. About how hurt and confused she was. Every now and then, she'd get really angry and poke her finger into my chest as she ranted about this slut and how her boyfriend had to have been influenced by evil people to cheat on her. I really felt sorry for her, because she was a wonderful girl. I told her that she was wonderful, and she deserved better treatment.

She told me about her first sexual experience with her boyfriend... about how they made love- and the morning after, fresh snow had fallen and covered the landscape. She said it looked like everything was covered in powdered-sugar, like in a fairy-tale. She felt like the most special woman in the world- her first love-making experience was so wonderful, the memory of it made her weep. *Sigh* I wish I could give a woman a wonderful experience like that.

So... a few days later

I get another phone call. It was Juanita.

"Hi, how do you feel?"

"Well..." She sounded a bit nervous. "I was at a party last night..."

"Oh, that's good. Did you have fun?"

"Um... afterwards, I kind of... spent the night with Mike."

"Wha- Mike?!" I knew of him... he was a guy who'd flirted with Juanita repeatedly in the past. He was a huge rugby-playing ox. A ham-fisted, brawling goon. A total slob with no manners. Devoid of brains. Vacant of class. I was a little stunned. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't know! I... guess I wanted to get back at my boyfriend! I was so mad at him, it was the only thing I could do!"

Okay... sooo... you're going to get revenge on your jerk boyfriend by sleeping with some other jerk? That makes no sense. It's really nice for the other jerk, though.

Captain FreeTherapist calmly said: "Juanita, honey... you're feeling very confused and hurt right now. Maybe this isn't a good idea."

"I don't know... I... I think I kind of like Mike, and I think he's really interested in me..."

So... with that, Juanita started dating Mike. I advised her not to, simply because I knew he wouldn't treat her right. From that day forward, I saw her less and less, because she was wrapped up with Mike for a few months. Then, after Mike, she started seeing some other rugby guy. Captain FreeTherapist can give the best advice in the world... but it don't make a lick of difference if Juanita decides to go her own way.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink. How about this advice: "Get thee to a nunnery!"

Every now and then, I'd bump into her between classes and have short verbal exchanges. One time, she asked me: "So, are you dating anyone?"

"Me?" I got a little nervous. "No. It's... not easy for me to meet women." I stammered.

"I don't see why... you're so NICE!" Well, there's your answer babe. Unthinkingly, she continued. "What kind of woman wouldn't want to go out with you?" She trilled.

Oh, I don't know... maybe YOU, perhaps?! GAWD!

I declare: one day, Captain FreeTherapist will go on strike.

(02/08/02) Going on strike? It's happened. No more will I ever allow a woman to cry on my shoulder, sobbing "Oh, why can't Mister Asshole treat me just like you do? I want someone who will treat me like you will, only he'll be someone I can have sex with in the shower, against the cupboards, on the kitchen table... Let me tell you in detail all about the sex you'll never have with me because you're not Mister Asshole..." In response, Captain FreeTherapist will shove her away and say "Go to hell and burn with the rapists, idol-worshippers and simonist Popes*!" And then, he might poke her in the eye with a pointed stick or something.

(* Simony- The sin of giving ecclesiastical promotions or pardons in exchange for bribes.)

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"Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price." -- Alan Sherman.

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