Rant Sent From Brazil

A reader from Brasilia sent-in this story. It was quite interesting, so naturally, I'm posting it in its entirety. I have a feeling that most of the conversations and insult-slinging was done in Portugese. And Brazil sounds like a place that's more homophobic than I'd feel comfortable in. So get yourself a bag of sourdough pretzels and enjoy this rant from the southern hemisphere...

And so... it begins

Ok, here's the story. The events are pretty sparse because they happen in the time-span of an entire year. Bear with me, the introduction will be slow, but there are many acts of bitchiness after it. It does have a happy-ending-of-sorts (we all realize what a bitch she is and do evil acts of evilness to her each on our own)

This all happens in Brasilia, capitol of Brazil. In my school. More specifically, my class. (Bit of trivia: the head designer who drew-up many of the public buildings in Brasilia back in the late 1950s also happened to be a communist. But who am I to question people's political beliefs? -- NG)

Ok, I shall introduce the characters. There's me, obviously, a 197cm 110kg (Metric system ownz yo! That would be around 6'6, 250lbs, but I'm not entirely sure about that) I'm freakishly tall, and kinda fat (although not freakishly so. If you take away my sizeable belly, I'm passable for a not-fat guy.). I lived in the US for two years of my life, and when I got back, I was a lot fatter (Damn you MacDonalds! Although I wish the MacDonalds here had breakfast... yum...) when this story started- I thin up as it goes.

Ok, the Lying Whorebag in this story shall be called *randomly picked name* Vanessa. (Good. 'Lying Whorebag' is trademarked. -- NG) She's somewhat cute I guess, but she might as well look like Pamela Anderson mixed with Jennifer Love Hewitt as long as I care, being the dirty biatch she is.

Ok, the nice-gal in this story shall be called *randomly picked name* Jen. My friends (who are in this story) will be called *randomly picked names* Jack, Joe and Jon (I'm great at creating names, am I not?)

Ok, it all starts on the day of my birthday (March 4th). Somehow, Vanessa finds out and as a birthday present (get this), she gives me a kiss in the cheek. Wow. That sure cost her a lot, didn't it? Well, she kicks up conversation and we become friends. For a while (thank God).

I hope you understand the fact that I arrived back to Brazil 6 months ago, and in those 6 months I had absolutely no feminine contact at all (hell they would avoid me like the plague). Now I'm somewhat surprised that she's starting conversation with me so often. She starts talking about relationships. Soon she gets to some dreaded questions "Hey if you were my boyfriend would you beat up the guys that annoy me?" (the maturity! The maturity!. I try to keep on neutral grounds as often as possible (Not ready for a relationship at 15, really).

While she befriends me, she befriends another great friend of mine. He's called Jon. He's like me (no real female friends, very little contact with the opposite
sex). Now she's talking to him or to me ALL the time, it's freaky. 'Specially with Jon, though.

Now she's all over him, talking to him about how much he's a NiceGuy (sounds familiar?) and how he would be a great boyfriend blah blah blah (or so he told me). Now, under 99% of interpretations, she's coming on to him, and to me as well. I do mean she's starting conversation with us (separately or not) a hell of a lot more often than common.

But the thing is Jon's self-esteem actually exists, unlike mine, but it isn't really that strong (well, being ignored by women doesn't really help). After painfully convincing himself, he actually asks her out. Her answer: "What the hell? You interpret things way wrongly! Don't you know what friends is? What's wrong with you?", and so on, crushing his spirit, the one he took so long to build up. Not that the fact that she refused him (even after come-ons), it's the fact that she put in such a harsh manner. But to make it worse, she tells all her friends, male and female, that Jon doesn't know how to interpret her, that he has a one-track-mind, etc...

Now Jon's pissed at the fact that she told everyone about it. And the fact that she spent all that time talking to him, telling how a great guy he is, compliment after compliment, just to refuse him in such harsh words and telling everyone about it. Nope, definitely not the girl of your dreams.

He told me about it, and I was equally pissed. Ok, two against her, three other characters to go. Oh, not that she's done with me, not by a long shot.

Now that Jon is "out of the picture", she starts coming-on to me. She actually asks me out once, but I refuse it, knowing what dangerous side effects that can create (emotional attachment to a Lying Whorebag). She starts grabbing my arm really tight, saying "I won't let you go" (yes it makes as much sense written down in words as it did when it actually happened)

Ok, things seem to be downspiralling to her asking me out in public. Now, here in Brazil, girls don't usually ask guys out. But when they do, they have to say yes. If they say no, that gives the women the undeniable right to call him homosexual, but not in more, shall we say, disrespectful ways. Now, Brazilian teenage society is ridiculously (and sometimes violently) homophobic, and being called gay by a woman is like being called a Jew in the middle of a Gestapo reunion.

Well, thank goodness, she isn't going to ask me out. She asks out Jack, another friend of mine, out for a date. Jack, having some experience with women (although not much, really) accepts it. Now while they're dating, when he's not present, she flirts with pretty much every guy that shows up in front of her. It's almost humanly impossible to flirt that much. It's through lewd messages in her cell-phone, winks whisperings, etc... We (me, Jon and Joe) even make fun of Jack, telling him to dump her, that's she's a shallow bitch who is flirting with everyone behind his back. He doesn't listen, naturally, being such a simpleton. Can't blame him really. He actually believes people are good, deep down inside. What a fool.

Well, they broke up. I dunno how it happened, really, but it did. He's not that bitter over it... He's one of those "SUPER" nice guys. One of those persons who wouldn't curse if you paid him a hundred bucks. One who wouldn't punch you if you kicked him in the nuts. It's almost annoying really. I try to convert him to the dark side, but I sadly failed.

Ok, I'm about to introduce another character to this fantastic epic of bitchiness. She's Jen. She's not incredibly attractive, but not a horrible monster either. She has a couple of qualities and a couple of flaws as well. If one wanted to be stereotypical, that person would define her as nerdy. She's short, wears thick glasses, but she actually looks better with glasses than without. Ok, Jen had a crush on Jack, and she told me about it (she was considering confessing to Jack).

One day, during an especially boring Math class, Jen and Vanessa are exchanging notes. In those notes, she tells Vanessa that she has had a huge crush on Jack for a long time. She also tells her not to tell Jack. What does Vanessa do?

She obviously, being the bitch that she is, gives the notes to Jack. He's surprised that Jen likes him, but he's even more surprised that Vanessa told him Jen's secret. Jack tells me, Jon and Joe all about it. We're all stunned that she would be as mean as that.

Jen asks me for advice on how to ask him out (she's kinda shy and girls don't usually ask guys out). I'm kinda ashamed of what I did. I saw the perfect opportunity to screw Vanessa in the ass, by ruining her friendship with Jen. I told Jen that Vanessa told Jack already. She acts stunned (we were on the phone) and tries to say goodbye as quickly as possible.

The next day, she's crying in school. I'm feeling like an asshole for telling her. But then I figured she would be mad at me if I didn't tell her. She would've found out about it eventually, right? I mean, she would confess sooner or later and Jack wouldn't be surprised. At least, I like to think of it that way.

The story actually goes on further than that (Jen and Jack never really hit it off. Jack likes to think of her as a friend only. Which is kinda creepy coming from a guy). Jen forgives Vanessa (Stupid, I even told her that) for telling him that secret.

Ok, the following acts of evil bitchiness have little to do with the previous ones, and they are nice and short. If you managed to make it up to here, congratulations.

One day we were working in groups in class. The class was divided into five separate groups. It was Me, Joe, Jack, John and Jen in one group. We had finished our assignment, so we started telling stupid jokes. I told the equation that proves that women are evil. It's pretty silly:

Women = time × money
time = money
women = money squared
money is the root of all evil
women = 'root of all evil' × 'root of all evil'
women = evil

(Math was never my best subject, but I think I recall seeing an equation similar to that effect elsewhere. -- NG)

Ok, it's not that great, but we laughed. Heck, even Jen gave a chuckle or two. But Vanessa overheard that and stood up saying "He must be gay or something" loud enough for the whole class to hear. I've already said how dangerously homophobic my school is, so everyone started laughing.
Now I'm not really proud of what I said, but I'm proud that I said it "I'd rather be gay than to have to listen to you". Translating to non-homophobes, it's pretty much saying "I'd rather be tortured to death for days than to have to listen to you." Laughs all around the class. (Touché -- NG) Now she's completely humiliated and sits back down. I'm not homophobic or anything (Hell the more gay people the less competition :), or at least I like to think of it that way) (Excellent attitude. Um, but it's true except for when straight women go-after gay guys in an attempt to 'convert' or 'fix' them. There are a couple of that type here and there. -- NG) but it was either that or having to suffer the consequences. And just like that, I taught my friends that you don't have to take shit from women if you don't want to. Having boobs does not give you the right to insult me.

Another interesting event. It was after school and I was waiting for my mother to pick me up from school (it's very far from my house) in the parking lot. A friend of mine (not Joe, Jack or Jon) sits on the same bench that I was sitting and we start talking. Vanessa comes up with a bunch of her shallow girl friends, and says "Wow, it looks just like a gay couple". All the girls giggle. Fucking bitch.

Yet another interesting event. We (me, Joe, Jack and Jon) were talking about our fathers and what they did during their youth (AKA before getting married). It was pretty much all the same, going around the country for one-night-stands. We say "Wow our fathers were pretty lewd back then."
Vanessa overhears this (noticing a pattern here?) and says "It's not that they are lewd, it's that you guys are slow, that's why you never manage to pick up girls". Laughs all around class (noticing a pattern here?). Apparently a guy's worth is decided of how many women he dates and how many he has sex with. Am I the only person in the planet that thinks that that's the most bullshit-filled logic in the world?
Now a million comebacks surge into my mind, but sadly none of them do not involve some sort of physical violence.

A lot more events occur, but you get the idea, right? Most of them involve homophobic public humiliations of me, Joe, Jack and Jon because we found out how much she's a bitch and we would refuse to go out with her because she's about as shallow as a half-empty reflection pool.

Joe found out a little about her past, and we noticed she only goes for the "NiceGuys who have never had any" kind of guys. She's a NiceGuy vampire. Creepy.

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"Walt Disney has taken over my daughter's brain. She's not even 2, but she's already obsessed with the Disney cartoon versions of 'Snow White', 'Cinderella' and 'Sleeping Beauty', all of which have the same plot: The heroine is beautiful but sad. Or in a coma. But wait! Here comes a handsome prince! He kisses her! She's happy! Everybody's happy! Even the woodland creatures are singing!... My daughter soaks-up the Disney stories the way a fraternity soaks up beer. Oh, I try to give her some perspective. I try to distract her from these shallow, gender-stereotyping, ludicrously romanticized girlish fantasies by interesting her in realistic, intellectually challenging, character-building activities. "Sophie!" I'll say, "Let's watch football on TV!" -- Dave Barry.

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